Wednesday, April 13, 2011

On The Reality Of Wrestling (With apologies to Phil Clark)

I'm going to be blunt.

I really don't give a flying fuck if some of the more pompous jaded guys who read me take issue with anything I say. I don't care if some think I overreact when a pompous idiot insults me blanketly because I happen to have a different take on the business. I don't think it's a bad think that I'm not so jaded that I can actually be concerned for the health of the performers I watch on TV. But despite the backpeddalling one of my detractors attempted after Glazer came to my defense, his first volley at me was very much an insult.

The man called me a rube and said I make ALL fans look bad. Why? Because in my opinion it looked like something was legitimately wrong with the Undertaker. His condition following the match was very much out of character. Apparently that makes me a markish rube, stupid enough to believe the product. The jerk in question, (out of respect for Glazer I won't name the guy, it's not as if it'd be hard to find out on your own), is apparently so jaded that he believes every single thing we see on screen is all part of the script, and nothing ever goes wrong, and anyone who's smart enough to pay attention and notice when something has clearly gone off-script is actually a moron in the "It's still real to me dammit!!!" camp. Yes, he actually went there and quoted the weepy redneck meme on me.

If anyone is wondering why I'm wasting column space to rehash this, it's because I think the more jaded fans need a serious reality check.


That is a bloody fact. No matter how jaded you are, you can't really deny that fact and expect me to take you seriously. And yes, I tend to get very visceral when I feel like I'm being unfairly shit on or trolled. That's not going to change, and I'm not going to apologise for being that way. I spent the bulk of my life being a carpet, letting people walk all over me because I didn't want to rock the boat. I don't lay down for ANYONE anymore, least of all a pompous jaded ass who thinks my having compassion for the health of the performers I enjoy watching makes me an idiot.

So let's give a reality check to the jaded "It's all in the script" assholes out there.

If that was all in the script, Mitsuharu was the single most dedicated to kayfabe wrestler EVER. I mean jesus, dying IN the ring? That's commitment right there folks! I guess All-Japan really wanted some shocking press. I wonder how they rigged his heart stopping? Of course we all know Misawa is living on his fat pay-off in the mountains of northern Japan, a wealthy hermit who really sold that whole dying in the ring thing.

Uh huh.

Wow, Time-Warner sure made the most of the money they kept throwing at WCW in it's dying days. That was the most seriously awesome special effect stunt I've ever seen! I mean come on! It HAD to be in the script, why else would Steiner have kept kicking him? Well, besides the roid-rot in his brain. But seriously, that was the most awesome scripted injury EVER!!!


Well of course THAT one is so fake. WWE NEVER lets the women wrestlers actually DO anything, so there's no way such an injury on Lita could've been real, it simply MUST have been part of the match lay-out, amirite?

*stares blankly at a wall trying not to laugh derisively*

And last but not least.

Because Joey Mercury was willing to take "blading" the it's most logical extreme. He had a surgical scalpel hidden in the sole of his boot and gouged his own lip and nose off his face. I mean SOMEONE had to do it to sell how dangerous ladder matches are, and he just drew the short straw I guess. And for his sacrifice he was rewarded with a long main-event push and.... oh... wait.....

These are just 4 examples. YouTube is littered with literally hundreds of clips of serious legit injuries occuring in the ring, things not going as planned, bad mojo striking mid-match. But I'm a rube for being worried about Mark Calloway's health.


I'll spare you all the argument about the possibility of sexism and/or homophobia being an undercurrant to the detractors I get, (while Wheeler gets cheered and high-fived for his frequent and unneccesary fat chick jokes), but the bottom line is, I have yet to recieve a criticism here not based in trollish bullshit. I'm a female lesbian wrestling fan with a brain and an opinion, and I'm not shutting up or toning it down for anyone. I'm not going to change my opinion on something without being given a good sound logical reason to do so. And I'm NEVER going to accept a "Your an idiot becausae I disagree with you haw haw" attitude with a "Thank you sir May I have another". Someone dumps on me, I dodge the bucket and drop them into it.

Things DO go wrong in wrestling. Edge's forced retirement proves that much. His announcement on Raw was surreal, and depressing, and yes it made me cry, so sue me. My detractors will probably call me a rube for caring, but while I'm sad he has to quit, I'm happy he's walking away while he's still physically able to do so.

So yeah, I'd still like to know if Mark Calloway is okay. But I'm glad I at least know Edge will be now.

Next week I'll get back to witty insightful top 5 lists. Any suggestions on a topic?

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