The 6 Best Wrestler Theme Songs (That They Sang Themselves)

Since the mid 80's theme music has been an important factor in wrestling. Fans recognize a theme and will cheer or boo often before the wrestler actually even appears on the ramp.

A good theme song will get a crowd charged and ready for the match. And some theme songs become iconic. Themes can even show a company's faith in a performer. If so and so spends more than two months coming out to, as Danielson called it, "Generic Rock Song #43", chances are the office sees them in the midcard at absolute best. If they get a badass sounding song by an actual band hired to record it, such as Drew McIntyre's "Broken Dreams" by Shaman's Harvest, it suggests the company is hoping for great things from that performer.

A perfect example of the effectiveness of theme music in conveying the mood the audience is hoped to have is Doink the Clown. When Matt Bourne was Doink and a heel, he had what many fans call the best in-house WWE theme song EVER.



After Bourne left and Steve "Brooklyn Brawler" Lombardi was put in the costume as Doink II, (The version with the damn mini-me), the theme was changed to this.



It went from creepy and mood-setting to generic circus music, and the crowd's love of Doink went with it. The happy Doink theme let the crowd know it was piss-break time.

But sometimes for whatever reasons, a wrestler isn't content to just take the theme they're given. Sometimes, for reasons ranging from a gimmick album, a promotional purpose, or a wrestler stretching their own creative legs, a performer will do their own theme song.

Now obviously results of this endeavor are very mixed. No one with actual taste in music will argue that R-Truth's rythmless cookie-cutter rap themes were good for anything but getting kids and moms in the crowd to sing along. From way back in 2002 with "Gettin' Rowdy" in his first WWE run as K-Kwik, (Derailed by Road Dog getting fired shortly after their tag-team debut), to "Get Krunk" which made so little sense even for Talentless Truth that they soon went back to "What's Up" so the crowd could remember to pop for him, R-Truth is a good argument for NOT letting most wrestlers near a recording studio.

So let's get started here. My criteria for compiling this list is as follows.

- Wrestler must at least be in tune. No one expects a wrestler to have Christina Aguilera's pipes, but they need to at least sound better than Kei$ha.
- Theme must have been used regularly for minimum 6 months on TV, long enough to be recognizable to the fans.
- For context of how good they are, I'll include with each entry a counterpoint of a similar song that was just horrible.

So here we go.

#6; With My Baby Tonight (Sung by Brian "Road Dog" Armstrong)



Used at first to get Jeff Jarrett's "aspiring country music star" gimmick over, the problem was that Jarrett wasn't comfortable singing at the time and didn't want to try to. Luckily someone had overheard Jarrett's on-screen flunkie the Roadie sing in the shower, so Brian sang the sand and Jeff lipsynched it on TV and PPV. As far as the story goes, this was not originally intended to be revealed publicly, until Jeff had a falling out with management and made his first brief jump to WCW, leaving Brian adrift without a storyline. So it was decided that the "lipsynching scanal" would be revealed, giving Brian a storyline to get him off on his own as a singles wrestler. Not only did the song, which actually got some airplay on country music stations, become the entrance music of the rechristened "Road Dog Jesse James", for the next year he actually sang it live every week as he entered. It faled to get him over though, and he eventually got paired with the struggling Billy Gunn following Bart Gunn leaving the company, forming one of the WWE's most popular tag-teams.

Honorable mention here; When Jeff Jarrett's first WCW stint ended and he came back to Vince, he had gotten sick of the bs he got from fans on the street about the lipsynching, and asked Vince for a favour, and got his friends in the country band Sawyer Brown to appear on the 1998 Unforgiven PPV and let him sing "First Class White Trash" with them live, just to prove he COULD sing. While I can't find the clip on YouTube, I remember him not being half bad.

Counterpoint; I Hate Rap (Curt Hennig & the West Texas Rednecks)



The ONLY reason this song exists is because WCW needed an antogonist to diss Master P after they spent a few million to have the mediocre rap star come in and give some unused b-listers a reason to exist by forming the No-Limit Soldiers.

On The Reality Of Wrestling (With apologies to Phil Clark)

I'm going to be blunt.

I really don't give a flying fuck if some of the more pompous jaded guys who read me take issue with anything I say. I don't care if some think I overreact when a pompous idiot insults me blanketly because I happen to have a different take on the business. I don't think it's a bad think that I'm not so jaded that I can actually be concerned for the health of the performers I watch on TV. But despite the backpeddalling one of my detractors attempted after Glazer came to my defense, his first volley at me was very much an insult.

The man called me a rube and said I make ALL fans look bad. Why? Because in my opinion it looked like something was legitimately wrong with the Undertaker. His condition following the match was very much out of character. Apparently that makes me a markish rube, stupid enough to believe the product. The jerk in question, (out of respect for Glazer I won't name the guy, it's not as if it'd be hard to find out on your own), is apparently so jaded that he believes every single thing we see on screen is all part of the script, and nothing ever goes wrong, and anyone who's smart enough to pay attention and notice when something has clearly gone off-script is actually a moron in the "It's still real to me dammit!!!" camp. Yes, he actually went there and quoted the weepy redneck meme on me.

If anyone is wondering why I'm wasting column space to rehash this, it's because I think the more jaded fans need a serious reality check.

THINGS GO WRONG IN THE RING.

That is a bloody fact. No matter how jaded you are, you can't really deny that fact and expect me to take you seriously. And yes, I tend to get very visceral when I feel like I'm being unfairly shit on or trolled. That's not going to change, and I'm not going to apologise for being that way. I spent the bulk of my life being a carpet, letting people walk all over me because I didn't want to rock the boat. I don't lay down for ANYONE anymore, least of all a pompous jaded ass who thinks my having compassion for the health of the performers I enjoy watching makes me an idiot.

So let's give a reality check to the jaded "It's all in the script" assholes out there.



If that was all in the script, Mitsuharu was the single most dedicated to kayfabe wrestler EVER. I mean jesus, dying IN the ring? That's commitment right there folks! I guess All-Japan really wanted some shocking press. I wonder how they rigged his heart stopping? Of course we all know Misawa is living on his fat pay-off in the mountains of northern Japan, a wealthy hermit who really sold that whole dying in the ring thing.

Uh huh.



Wow, Time-Warner sure made the most of the money they kept throwing at WCW in it's dying days. That was the most seriously awesome special effect stunt I've ever seen! I mean come on! It HAD to be in the script, why else would Steiner have kept kicking him? Well, besides the roid-rot in his brain. But seriously, that was the most awesome scripted injury EVER!!!

*coughs*



Well of course THAT one is so fake. WWE NEVER lets the women wrestlers actually DO anything, so there's no way such an injury on Lita could've been real, it simply MUST have been part of the match lay-out, amirite?

*stares blankly at a wall trying not to laugh derisively*

And last but not least.



Because Joey Mercury was willing to take "blading" the it's most logical extreme. He had a surgical scalpel hidden in the sole of his boot and gouged his own lip and nose off his face. I mean SOMEONE had to do it to sell how dangerous ladder matches are, and he just drew the short straw I guess. And for his sacrifice he was rewarded with a long main-event push and.... oh... wait.....

These are just 4 examples. YouTube is littered with literally hundreds of clips of serious legit injuries occuring in the ring, things not going as planned, bad mojo striking mid-match. But I'm a rube for being worried about Mark Calloway's health.

RIIIIIIGHT.

I'll spare you all the argument about the possibility of sexism and/or homophobia being an undercurrant to the detractors I get, (while Wheeler gets cheered and high-fived for his frequent and unneccesary fat chick jokes), but the bottom line is, I have yet to recieve a criticism here not based in trollish bullshit. I'm a female lesbian wrestling fan with a brain and an opinion, and I'm not shutting up or toning it down for anyone. I'm not going to change my opinion on something without being given a good sound logical reason to do so. And I'm NEVER going to accept a "Your an idiot becausae I disagree with you haw haw" attitude with a "Thank you sir May I have another". Someone dumps on me, I dodge the bucket and drop them into it.

Things DO go wrong in wrestling. Edge's forced retirement proves that much. His announcement on Raw was surreal, and depressing, and yes it made me cry, so sue me. My detractors will probably call me a rube for caring, but while I'm sad he has to quit, I'm happy he's walking away while he's still physically able to do so.

So yeah, I'd still like to know if Mark Calloway is okay. But I'm glad I at least know Edge will be now.

Next week I'll get back to witty insightful top 5 lists. Any suggestions on a topic?

On Concussions in Wrestling

I didn't get a column in to Glazer this past week on the daily Backlash columns like usual as I'm recovering from a head injury. Late Monday evening in the shower I lost my footng and fell forward pretty fast, nailing the faucet with my forehead. It left me with not only a pretty bloody gash, (I bled like Foley), but a grade III concussion. For the past few days I've been kind of zoning in and out of lucidity. Since at this moment I seem to be lucid enough to focus, I'm writing about it, as it's made me hyper aware of the issues wrestlers face when they have a concussion.

First of all, as bad as I've been since the injury, I'm horrified at how many wrestlers continue working in this condition. Granted I already have disabilities that limit my mobility and concentration, but bloody hell this is a pain in the ass. I'm constantly dizzy, my balance has completely gone to shit, and I keep forgetting where I am in my own apartment, and we live in a damned BACHELOR suite.

What possesses a wrestler in this condition to keep working? And if Chris Nowinski is right, why does the WWE ignore the problem? When one is concussed they should automatically be taken off the road. They're a liability in that ring if they're off balance and can't concentrate.

Of course, Nowinski may be exaggerating given his less than pleasant parting of ways with the 'E, and chances are WWE management may not always be aware when a worker is concussed, because I'm pretty sure half these guys would hide it so as to not lose their spot.

A LOT of wrestlers work through injuries they shouldn't, and why? Because of the fear of losing your rung on the ladder to someone healthier. Wrestling fans, the more casual ones, are thought to have a pretty short memory, and if you're away too long they lose interest in you. How true or not this belief actually is, is frankly irrelevant to the wrestlers. Most wrestlers believe it to be true. So they either shortcut in their rehab or worse, don't leave at all.

Rey Mysterio is a prime example. We all know he's been in dire need of serious knee surgery for at least three years, but the best he's done for his knees is an occasional three weeks off to rest them. He has as yet in the past three years put of the actual surgery, and chances are he'll be playing with his grandkids in a wheelchair. Why? You and I both know he's not exactly an easily forgotten wrestler. But it's safe to assume in Rey's mind, he's the little guy, the underdog, and if he takes the time off he actually needs, he'll come back and have to start at the bottom of the card again.

To a point I suppose I can understand this. My wife's made me mostly stay in bed, and been watching me like a hawk. But Wednesday night, feeling limited and useless, I got up and tried to do a rack of dishes as she slept, because I didn't want to feel hobbled and of no use to her. I woke her up with the crash I made as I got dizzy and fell back into our deep freezer, knocking our deep fryer off of it into the laundry basket we put empty pop bottles in. I KNEW I should have just stayed in bed, in my mind at least, but my heart had an irrational fear of being somehow left behind or thought of as lesser if I didn't suck it up and force myself to get some chores done.

For wrestlers, multiply that by 20 and you begin to understand the self-defeating obsession with not surrendering to injury. If I was that stubborn about doing dishes with just my wife to think about, imagine how a guy working in front of thousands every night must be feeling. In their minds, giving in to injury must feel like failing somehow.

But having this serious concussion, I was stupid to try it, and every time I watch a wrestler who I know is working through an injury like this, it's going to make me very uncomfortable, and a little scared for them.

But I understand them a little better now.

Ten Thoughts on The State of Wrestling |This Week

My erstwhile host on Inside Pulse Aaron Glazer, who had just started giving me guest space in his weekly bit there, (which is why I've neglected my blog here), has been going through some issues in his personal life and not writing. I won't share details, it's his business, not mine or yours, but until he feels up to writing again, I'll resume my ranting here.

10) TNA has booked RVD vs Abyss in a loser leaves TNA match for their next PPV. Okay.... so..... they can pay the lazy coasting bastard extra monjey for the blowoff to give him a "Storyline exit", but they couldn't be bothered to have him drop the belt to Abyss while he was still on his original term contract? TNA = Trainwreck Nimrod Authorship.

9) Golduswt and Regal last night showed the world how a comedy match should be done. Quick, to the point, gets the laughs with something that makes contextual sense for those involved, (Regal mocking Dust's mouthsnap gesture, Dust using Regal's knucks), and then get it over fast before it wears itself out and bores the audience. Of course this means next week we'll get Santino and Koslov having a dance-off with Dibiase. Go ahead, tell me I'm wrong. I DARE you.

8) Sheamus is so bloody inconsistant. It gets on my nerves. One week he's cutting amazing promos that stay on point, get himself over, and sell the angle he's in the middle of while still leaving his co-workers room to play off him. The next his promos are generic cookie-cutter heel number 23, paint-by-numbers crap that does nothing to push the angle or get anyone over. And his rotating between cowardly heel and baqdass tough guy who likes to hurt people is getting seriously old.

7) Would it kill them to give us more than "My apprentice Alex Riley" from the Miz to explain why Riley isn't jumped by security every time he hops the gaurdrail? This is one area where the sledgehammer of plot would actually be a helpful tool.

6) When Jericho is consistantly pure gold every goddamn week no matter what he's doing, when he has the audience so completely in his hand that he's successfully doing 5 or 6 face/heel turns a night, when he is clearly the real MVP of the company, why oh why has the 'E still not busted their asses and bent over backward to lock him into a new contract? I garauntee the product will suffer noticably without him.

5) I actively contemplated suicide watching the R-Truth/Eve vs Dibiase/Dyed Frog Whore segment on Raw. I am publicly declaring, right now, with all of you as witnesses, that I, Penny Sautereau-Fife, a legally married lesbian, will publicly suck Vince McMahon's wrinkly old man cock if he signs legal documentation forbidding his company from EVER doing a segment like this EVER AGAIN.

4) New Raw guest host rule; NEVER HIRE FUCKING ATHLETES. Football players, basketball plaqyers, baseball players, Nascar drivers, their sports differ but they have one universal equalizer; NONE OF THEM CAN TALK FOR SHIT, except the ones Vince is too cheap to spring for. Every minute of that egotistal twonk talking last night is time on my life expectancy I can never get back. I have MAYBE 2 years left, wasting my time with this pointless celebrity circle-jerking is tantamount to slow homicide.

3) I will concede that Kandertaker have been cutting effective promos on each other, but I would still rather lick Ron Jeremy's asscrack than sit through their 84'000th PPV match. The Dead Man Walking is now the Old Man Limping. For the first time in his carreer he actually LOOKS dead. I do not want to see him and Kane trying to carry each other when both mens' best matches ALWAYS included a smaller, faster, vastly superior in talent opponent, ala Kurt Angle or Shawn Micheals, carrying them to a classic. Kanedertaker agaqinst each other have NEVER had an actual good match, they've at beswt coasted by on the cheese each encounter was draped in.

2) I read Scott Kieth's Smark Rant on the Hell in a Cell collection DVD, and I'm both impressed and mi8ldly disturbed that they left the one Benoit was in fully intact. We all assumed that one would be highlight reel only, showing some "Ooooo aqhhh" spots and carefully removing Benoit from the selection, as per the 'E's "Benoit? Who's that? we know not of any Benoit" policy since the Incident. Part of me wants to hope this means Benoit won't be excluded from Jericho's DVD, part of me is screaming to block out all memory of having known him personally.

1) I'm in the camp that hopes Heyman never comes to TNA. The product is damaged beyond all repair, and it's far too late for Heyman to save it, even if Dixie gave him full booking and hiring/firing control. Heyman would try his best, but ultimately Russo, Mantell, Bischoff, you name it, everyone booking for TNA has raped the company too many times. TNA is irrepairably traumatized by shitty selfish out of touch booking, and failing to turn it around would kill the last lingering shred of Paul's love for the business, garaunteeing we never experience his insane genius again.

That's my ranting done for this week. If I weren't allergic to alcohol I'd be pish't right now to burn that DiBiase/Truth segment out of my brain.

Actually I think I might go get drunk anyway. Massive stomach bleeding would still be more fun and pleasurable than that fucking segment was.

We now return you to whatever life you're living.

The Biggest Wasted Opportunities in WWE History Part 1

No one will deny that the WWE has brought us a lot of fun stories over the years. Even people that hate Vince McMahon admit he is (or was) a creative genius who has made great memorable moments that millions have enjoyed for 30 some-odd years.

He's also boneheadly missed great opportunities to do great things that would have lived on forever in wrestling fans' hearts, but are now regelated to fantasy wrestling scenarios and whistful what-ifs. Things that by all accounts could have and should have been great that we'll never know. Things like...

Reckless Youth Gets Paid to Sit On His Ass For A year

Tom Carter loved wrestling his whole life. And while most of you probably never heard of him, he carved a unique legacy for himself on the indy circuit for years. Longtime Indy fans know Reckless Youth like they know Brian Danielson. He was regarded as one of the best on the planet. He could get technical with the best of them but had a high risk high flying style that wowed crowds worlwide. He was a flippy spotfest guy who could STILL tell a story in the ring instead of just stringing spots together like many accuse Jeff Hardy of.

In 1999, The then still WWF signed Reckless Youth to a developmental deal. They signed him for one year. Internet fans were excited, hoping to see Youth pull off his unique style on Raw every week. We knew we'd probably have to find video of him down in OVW first but the thought of seeing him in the 'E excited those of us who knew of him. We were waiting to see this every week...



Yes, you recognise men like William Regal, Christopher Daniels, Super Crazy and more in that montage. Anyone in the wrestling business you know and love that ever had a big Indy presence has done the dance with Reckless Youth, and he had as much respect as Danielson. Plus, he could cut promos better than Brian. So yeah, we were excited.

And then we realized he wasn't showing up on OVW. And then we noticed he wasn't showing up anywhere. And weeks turned into months, and there was nothing, anywhere.

WWE paid Youth to sit on his ass at home for a year and never once did one single goddamn thing with him. Even Danielson got to shine on NXT. But Youth? Nothing. He ceased to exist. And the 'E never gave him a reason for his non-use beyond not being sure what to do with him.

When the Developmental deal expired, Youth went back to the indies. Recent watchers of Chikara might know him from there. I think he even passed through Ring of Honor once or twice. And he's still damned good, but the WWE's abandoning of him took something away from Youth, and he's felt like something has been slightly missing somehow.

Of course this is a missed opportunity mostly for hardcore internet fans who loved Youth. The bulk of wrestling's audience never heard of him, so it's not like anything more than a small minority laments it, nor will it dog the WWE for decades. Unlike...

WWE Had Hogan & Flair in Their Prime and Did Zilch

Younger wrestling fans probably only look at Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair and see two useless limping old men who can't cut it in the ring anymore and should at absolute best be limited to promos and managing. But us older fans remember the latter half of the 80s and early 90s, when Hogan was unquestionably THE face of the WWF and no one could say NWA and NOT think of Flair.

Hogan and Flair were THE top draws in their respective companies for years, each longer than any other top draw that came before or after, and arguably more successful than any predecessor or any who followed except perhaps for Austin and the Rock. Even John Cena isn't as huge a draw as Hogan and Flair were.

No one really has heated debates about dream matches anymore. WWE's closest competition is TNA and calling TNA "Competition" is like calling a 5 year old boy competition for Tito Ortiz. At best you sometimes get hardcore fans like me and the Inside Pulse writers comment on message boards about "I think it'd be cool if ***** signed with *** and worked with *****".

But in the 80s, fans had fevered rabid debates about dream matches, who would win, how the match would go, etcetera. And no dream match was more debated than Hogan Vs Flair. Wrestling magazines like Pro Wrestling Illustrated and Inside Wrestling devoted entire articles to analyzing the possibilities. But we resigned ourselves to fantasy as Hogan was WWF and Flair was NWA and never the Twain shall meet.

And then on September 9th 1991, this happened.



Thanks to Jum Crockett pissing Flair off, Flair took the NWA Title and jumped ship, and suddenly fans were salivating. We were finally going to get our dream match! The 'E even teased it several times, having Flair and Hogan cutting promos together, Flair doing run-ins for the Undertaker at Hogan's expense, and Flair even winning the WWF title at the Royal Rumble at Hogan's expense when Sid pulled Hogan over the ropes.

But for reasons known only to Vince McMahon's fevered brain, they never pulled the trigger. A Hogan/Flair match on PPV never materialized. Hell they never even had a match on free TV. Their interaction in the ring at the afore-mentioned Royal Rumble was even minimal at best. WWE was sitting on a liscense to print money and decided they didn't like money.

There were rumours of course, ranging to ego crashes over who would job, to Vince not wanting to give any weight to the strength of the competition by acknowledging the Dream Matches wishes of many fans as it meant ackjnowledging the NWA existed all those years when Vince still expected fans to believe that the WWF existed alone in the wrestling world and no one hired from another promotion had any pre-WWF history. We'll never know. Hogan and Flair both claim to have never been aware of the reasons if any and Vince has never answered questions about it.

A few years later in WCW, we finally got our Dream Match but by then it had lost it's appeal. The WWF teases that never paid off had soured many fans on the dream match, and by the time it happened, neither Flair nor Hogan were still on top. Both had begun to move past their primes, and fan interest in each was waning. The opportunity to make huge bank on it had passed, as evidenced by Bash at the Beach's at best average buyrate despite months of hype leading up to it.

The moment had passed, and it was without a doubt a loss to the fans. But at least this loss could be blamed squarely on Vince. The same couldn't be said for...

Mohammed Hassan Proves Most Fans Are Racist Bigots

You have to give the WWE credit on this one. In spite of the fact that they hired an Italian to play an Arab-American, (Not unlike hiring an idiot to play a cartoon Italian more recently), the original idea behind Mohammed Hassan was a noble one. As Mohammed, Mark Copani was intended to be a face that would build bridges and help America get over it's irrational fear of Arab people post 9/11. His original promos were designed to convey a "Look, I'm just like you, we aren't all the enemy" message that, coupled with Copani's good looks and perfect english, would convey the image of a guy that was just another human being and shouldn't be judged by his ancestry.

It was a rare, noble, far-reaching idea from WWE Creative that could have done a lot of good.

If they hadn't seriously botched it from day 1.



Granted, that isn't his first debut vignette. I cou;dn't find that one online anywhere. His first vignette had a polite tone with no anger, and ended with Davari translating for him, also in a polite friendly tone.

And that was their mistake. Audiences watching the promo in arenas immediately began booing the shit out of it as soon as Davari started speaking. And in a complete show of no goddamned backbone or creativity under pressure, Creative immediately abandoned their original plan and made Hassan heel. After the first three weeks of nice friendly promos, the above video aired with Copani showing open hostility towards his fellow Americans.

Why did this idea bomb so badly? Because WWE wanted to believe the bulk of it's fans WEREN'T the stereotypical redneck trailer trash most non fans assume, (sadly quite correctly) that a good chunk of wrestling fans are. I was at a live venue when the first Hassan vignette aired on the tron. The Audience around me seemed mostly respectful and even applauded a few times when Copani as Hassan was talking about not judging and being just like us and how we should all try to get along and help foster peace. But hearing Davari speak, (In Persian actually, not Arabic), the audience turned immediately. Why? Because Davari, even in a friendly tone, sounded just like every muslim villain on TV and in movies, and the audience's instinctive racism took over.

Shawn Davari is a damned talented cruserweight and had every right to a spot on the WWE Roster. But not as Hassan's translator. Hassan should have stood on his own. Without Davari's "scary foreign language speaking" triggering the still very fresh and raw fears of the American audience, Hassan very well could have gotten over as a face, and his character could have actually helped America get over it's post 9/11 fears. Instead it fed into them and arguably made anti-muslim sentiment worse. And it cost Copani his job when Creative pushed the revised Hassan character too far by having him send masked thugs to choke the Undertaker until his face resembled that of a recently beheaded head, and the mainstream poress exploded in anger as the segment aired theday after the London Underground was bombed. Hassan was made the scapegoat while Davari got another year with the company as the Great Khali's original manager. Copani has since toured the Indies as Mark Magnus trying to put as much distance between himself and the Hassan character as possible.

Part two next week, as I'm still researching details on the last entry.

A Fan's Hope For Closure

So Tommy Dreamer cuts a promo on TNA and actually made me cry a little bit.



Now everyone and their dog who's following this TNA/ECW development has an opinion, ranging from hell yeah to please God fuck NO! about whether or not this One Last Stand idea for Hard Justice is a good idea or a trainwreck waiting to happen.

The feeling Im getting from this TNA/ECW thing is that Tommy wants one night to remind the fans what Vince spent three and a half years doing his damnedest to make people forget; The heart and spirit and creativity of the original ECW. One Night Stand SHOULD have been ECW's closure, it SHOULD have been their last stand. But then WWECW came along and while yes, a handful of new stars emerged from the wreckage, WWECW was a trainwreck from beginning to end. It made Paul Heyman so bitter he left wrestling altogether. His only wrestling connection now is occasionally ranting in Britain's the Sun paper, and he mostly runs Girls Gone Wild/Maxim type stuff now.

WWECW all but destroyed ECW's legacy. Up until late 06 you would still get ECW chants like wildfire when a badass spot was pulled off that reminded fans of ECW's heyday. But by early 07, the chants were dwindling. Younger fans disregarded WWECW as a B-Show and barely paid attention. Older fans migrated away with a sour taste in their mouths. And ECW was forever stained by the stink of Vince running it, and very few people believe that wasn't Vince's intention all along, to bury it.

Tommy Dreamer doesn't want the fans to remember zombies and vampires and Abraham Washington. He wants people to remember this.



And I can't fault him for that. The real ECW can't ever truly be revived nor should it, but as a hardcore ECW fan from as early as I could figure out which pub carried the MSG network on Sattelite, I do want the blasphemy that was WWECW (On SyFy!!!) to NOT be the last thing fans associate with ECW. If Tommy and company can pull off one night, and be at the top of their game and do the best they can to just entertain the fans without any agendas, they will have succeeded in providing a little syrup to sweeten the mouth after the bad taste Vince left in it.

So Tommy and his friends want one night to undo the damage and have the send-off that ONS was supposed to be. I can get behind that. And if it organically grows into better long-term booking for TNA and a stronger company direction, I'm all for it. And on the off chance it succeeds and Dreamer can cinvince Paul to come run the booking and convince Dixie to give Paul full unhindered creative control, we will see something new and exciting emerge from ECW's last smoldering ashes. Because Paul is smart enough to not try and recapture the past, like Bischoff and Hogan and Russo keep trying to do. Paul will look towards building the future. Will there be traces of ECW in anything Paul does? Of course, he was the force behind it. But Paul will not try to turn TNA into ECW Version 3. Paul will make TNA a better version of TNA.

IF Tommy can convince him to try.

The 5 Stupidest Wrestling Gimmicks That Still Got Over

We've all seen it. It's one of our biggest shames as wrestling fans. The promoter of any wrestling company, (not just Vince, though he is most guilty of it), thinks up the most buttfuck STUPID idea for a wrestler's gimmick or character, convinced we fans would eat it up. Examples come to mind from many feds.

WCW for example had a long storied history of gimmicks that made most fans want to drive sharp implements into our grey matter through our eyeballs. From a masked Tag Team called the Ding Dongs to Kevin Nash's (I took drugs to make it) forgettable stint as Oz, WCW seemed determined to compete with the then WWF's track record for mind-numbingly stupid ideas, such as Duke "The Dumpster" Drose, The Goon, and Abe "Knuckleball" Schwartz, which wasn't even the worst of the gimmicks Steve Lombardi has been saddled with in his WWE carreer.

And then there were those rare times when a wrestler debuted with a completely stupid gimmick we were disgusted by as always, and we would boo as always. And then suddenly we were booing not because the gimmick sucked but because the guy was legitimately drawing heel heat, or worse, we were CHEERING.

Sometimes, even a stupid gimmick can get over huge in the hands of the right man. So here in no particular order except however the fuck I choose to do it are the worst wrestling gimmicks that actually succeeded.

#5; Irwin/Irving R. Shyster AKA IRS (Mike Rotunda)

So it's the early 90's and Mike Rotunda has rejoined the WWF. He's been gone since his brief but successful tag-team run with Barry Windham in the mid-80's. For reasons known only to Vince, he decided Rotunda's personality, suited to a heel role, seemed to say "Obnoxious tax collecter". Now I suppose one could see to a point the inherent logic of the character. Everyone hates the Tax Man, so it garaunteed cheap heat. People were going to boo the shit out of IRS no matter what. But this by ANY stretch of the imagination should have been a one-note character that would be gone in 6 months after a face squashed him.

The first few vignettes preparing for his debut listed him as Irving which, also for reasons known only to Vince, was changed to Irwin after 3 vignettes. Maybe he had a friend named Irving who took offense? We'll never know.

Rotunda however, has always been good in the ring and great on the mic, and managed to stretch 4 goddamned years out of this albatross, to the point that the character STILL gets recommissioned every so often for a cheap nostalgia pop. Rotunda as IRS didn't just settle for the cheap heat of playing a tax collector, he gave us concrete reasons to absolutely fucking LOATHE him.



Hell he was so good at making us hate him that he actually got people to briefly give a shit about Chris "Tatanka" Chavis, who was, as some of the folks on Inside Pulse like to say, Pissed-Off Racial Stereotype #12, the "whooping Indian". Chavis was devoid of any personality or charisma, and as a face no one cared, until Chief Jay Strongbow presented him with a ceremonial Native Headdress for some reason and IRS destroyed it because Tatanka refused to pay a "Gift Tax" on it.

For giving longevity and genuine heel heat to a one-note cheap heat paint by numbers gimmick, Mike Rotunda makes this list. One question though.... why did NO ONE ever just yank his tie that he kept on WHILE wrestling?

#4; The Honky Tonk Man (Roy Wayne Farris)

Seriously? A Goddamned Elvis Impersonator? THAT'S the best Vince could come up with for the cousin of Memphis Royalty Jerry "The King" Lawler? Well, this WAS before the WWF/USWA working relationship, so maybe making Roy into a bad Elvis impersonator was a jab at Lawler. After all Elvis was supposedly the King. (No I'm NOT an Elvis fan, why do you ask?). This is yet another silly stupid gimmick that should have vanished after 6 months maximum. Especially given he was supposed to be a face. Fans turned on it pretty quick though, and it could easily have died right there, if not for Roy's natural charisma pulling off a cocky heel vibe that made the fans care.

As we all know, to succeed as a heel, you can't just get cheap heat and last very long. No heel ever thrived just saying "(insert local sports franchise here) sucks!". Sure he gets booed, and the fans cheer if he gets beaten, but otherwise they get no reaction because the fans have no reason to care. No, to SUCCEED you have to make them hate you so goddamned much they will pay good money JUST to see someone kick the crap out of you.

And Roy did this in spades. He all but perfected the cowardly heel routine once he had the Intercontinental belt, managing to set a still unbroken record for longest IC title reign due to constantly getting himself counted out or disqualified, further enraging fans and making them want THAT much more to see him get his ass kicked eventually.

Roy lived his gimmick so seriously that he not only got it over hardcore beyond anyone's expectations, he went so far as to sing his own theme music, which lead to the second WWF Wrestling Theme album. But his wasn't just a silly fluff song like those of Hillbilly Jim and Junkyard Dog on the first one; Roy actually took guitar and singing lessons to ensure the song was actually GOOD, and hearing it every time he came out only further enraged fans because his very voice drove them nuts. Roy as Honkey could often get drowned out by boos after getting only a few words out.



Like IRS, Honky still gets called back to TV from time to time for nostalgia pops, and has reached the point of being cheered when he shows up. The saddest thing about Honky? For a gimmick that wasn't expected to go very far, more was spent on some of his Elvis Jumpsuits than on most of Ric Flair's robes. One of Honky's jumpers was rumoured to have cost 50 grand to make. I know if I had 50 grand I wouldn't be spending it on one ugly mass of sequins.

#3; Abyss (Christopher J. Parks)

The only man on this list to have ever scored a World Championship reign of any kind, Abyss is the odd occurrance of a stupid gimmick wrestler that took nearly a decade to finally become the joke he should've been by all rights from the start. This can't be blamed on HIM so much as the retarded booking. Actually I take that back; it's an insult to mentally retarded people to cal TNA's booking retarded. Retarded people are smarter and make more sense.

As what could only be described as the bastard gay love child of Mick Foley and Glen Jacobs, this Mankind/Kane halfbreed had rip-off written all over him. In fact I think in the beginning when TNA was, for some inexplicable reason, a weekly PPV, he actually did get chants along the lines of "Fo-ley riiip offff! (clapclapclapapap)".

And then he bled.

Abyss won over the crowd on pure giant iron balls, taking every week what Foley only pulled off at most twice a year to build up to his biggest beatings. Any batshit crazy crap Foley had accomplished by his first decade in the business, barbed wire, tacks, etc, Abyss crammed into his first year. In his first six months alone he could have fed a family of four vampires.



If the WWE HASN'T learned anything it's that wrestling fans loves them some blood and violence. And Abyss was a bloody violent muhfuggah until TNA's booking ruined him. He was violent, destructive, and had no hesitation about being pummelled by, wrapped in or slammed on multiple sharp cutty hurty things. He may in fact be one of the few men in wrestling history to out-bleed Foley and out-WTF??? Sabu.

#2; Goldust (Dustin Runnels)

No, that's not Lady GaGa there. That's Dustin "Rhodes" Runnels, son of the American Dream Dusty Rhodes, in the first real "Gay man" gimmick since Adorable Adrian Adonis. Vince Russo in all his manly glory, *coughdouchebagcough* decided to use DustIN to insult DustY, by turning the son of the Common Man in the least manly thing in the business. Also, Russo thought he could score cheap heat by playing into the high homophobia of the target audience, for which Russo had only contempt as a Jersey douchebag.

And if he'd slapped the gimmick on anyone but Dustin it'd have crapped out in a few months like most of Russo's pointless garbage.

But Dustin was ALWAYS better than anyone gave him credit for, and he was salivating over the chance to truly finally separate himself from his father. Runnels was willing to bust his ass doing damn near anything to escape from Dusty's shadow, and Goldust was about as far from "The Common man/son of a plumber" as you could get.

Dustin DID play on the Homophobia of the audience, but he was goddamned brilliant at it. The psychology in his Royal Rumble match with Razor Ramon with brilliant, doing everything he could to just plain UNNERVE Razor into making mistakes. And his creepy promos made your skin crawl.

And he had longevity with the character, moreso than the other WWF/WWE folks on this list, as he's still on the roster today, because his character evolved. First he took the character to the furthest extremes in his TAFKA phase with Luna Vachon as his manager. When all the true creepiness and homophobia had been squeezed out of the character, (pun intended), he changed Goldust into a comedy act. Unlike Santino, who tries too hard and overdoes everything, Goldust kept his comedy bits simple and to the point; You always knew what the joke was and he never overstayed his airtime.



There was of course a few brief periods where Dustin left the WWE, but Goldust followed him wherever he went. In WCW, Russo, who was pissed that Goldust had become such a success when he intended it to a rib on Dusty, decided to punish Dustin with an even creepier gimmick, saddling him with a ghostly demonic Uncle Fester (the Child Molester) look and gimmick, complete with vignettes filmed outside children's bedrooms. Dustin saw through this crap and took his career into his own hands with one of the best worked-shoot promos ever, having convinced management the character would bite them in the ass but forced to compromise and blame Vince MacMahon and not Russo. Russo further made him agree to trash the Goldust character, which he agreed to do but after leaving WCW explained all of this and returning to Goldust in 2002.



He also had a brief Goldust inspired run in TNA as Black Reign, which we will quietly pretend never happened. I'm looking at you Glazer. Seriously. IT NEVER HAPPENED. I will titslap anyone who claims otherwise.

Now go buy a copy of CrossRhodes. It's awesome.

#1; Doink The Clown I (Matt Bourne)

The reason for this is obvious. Wrestling fans hate when people call wrestling a circus. Or at least at the time we still did. And this was a fucking clown in wrestling. When Doink first started appearing in the crowds on Challenge and Superstars, most serious wrestling fans reacted the same way Glazer does when Mark Henry's music hits; gratuitous self-beatings and repetition of the phrase "Make.... the hurting... STOP...."

And then this happened.



Do you get that? New fans won't remember this shit, but it was fucking awesome. Let me clarify; Most serious fans hated Crush too. He was a bargain basement Hulk Hogan clone after already having destroyed Demolition by phasing out Bill "Ax" Eady. He was being shoved down our throats every week in eye-hurting neon. And this guy in a clown outfit who by all rights we should want impaled on a dull signpost, takes off his arm and beats the shit out of him with it. Brian "Crush" Adams suffered a legit concussion from this attack, that's how vicious it was.

And that was because of one "Maniac" Matt Bourne.

Yes we all know Doink went to shit when Bourne was fired over his rampant drug use and they slapped the costume on Steve Lombardi and paired him with a midget to help begin Bamm Bamm Bigelow's slow decline into mediocrity. But while Bourne was in the costume, Doink fucking ruled.

First of all he was DAMNED good in the ring. He was smooth, fluid, and technically proficient. Watch him have a classic here on an old RAW with Curt Hennig.





On top of that Doink was legitimately frightening. Matt Bourne's cold serial killer facial expressions and manic mood swings made him seem genuinely dangerous, something to be feared. Doink could fucking HURT you. He tapped into the common fear of clowns many people have as children and sometimes retain as adults. He was Pennywise and the Joker, but far more real. And he had arguably the best heel theme of all time next to Demolition's Derringer theme. When people heard it they were unsettled, as something that began so carefree almost immediately devolved into something dark and threatening.



You'll notice that video is pretty much a highlight reel of Bourne's sharp moveset and schizophrenic facial expressions.

Doink makes Number 1 because he took the single stupidest gimmick and got it the most over. Evil Doink kicked ass, period.

Honorable Mention Paul Burchill's Pirate Gimmick

Adding this as an honorable mention because even though it got over hugely and WAS a stupid gimmick, it didn't last long enough to count as a true success, with Vince stupidly shelving it after only a scant few months because apparently he's never heard of Captain Jack Sparrow and was oblivious to the insane pops Paul was getting. Including it as an afterthought because, honestly, this just absolutely rocked.






Sadly the poor bastard would have his career destroyed by Vince's recurring obsession with getting an incest storyline onto Raw. Granted they wisely shelved the incest aspects before he and Katie Lea got TOO intimate, but everyone KNEW the gimmick's original intent and that was enough to destroy Paul's career.

NEXT WEEK; Wrestling's top missed opportunities, including Hogan/Flair in the WWF and Reckless Youth being paid to sit on his ass for a year.

We now return you to whatever life you're living.